Powerful Lessons for Leadership, Family, and Connecting | My Dad 'The Coach'

Episode Overview:
In this heartfelt episode, Pat Tenneriello sits down with his father, Stefano Tenneriello, affectionately known as "The Coach.", youth probation officer for over 30 years, dedicated soccer coach, and devoted father of five.
 
What You’ll Learn:

• How to strengthen family bonds and build a supportive community.
• The life-changing lessons team sports can teach about resilience, teamwork, and self-confidence.
• Why leading with kindness and empathy fosters genuine connections.
• Practical ways to prioritize what truly matters in your personal and professional life.
• How to create a positive and lasting impact on the lives of others.
• Insights into the immigrant experience and how it shapes values, identity, and perseverance.
• How to talk in the third person. 

Social Media:

• After Peter Pan Podcast: 
  • Facebook
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  • LinkedIn
  • YouTube
• The Coach's Facebook

Chapters

• 0:00 Hook/Intro
• 1:49 A Heartfelt Beginning
• 3:47 The Importance of Family
• 7:26 Building Connections and Relationships
• 12:19 5 kids, why do that to yourself?
• 16:05 Navigating Fatherhood and Personal Identity
• 23:37 Career Passion and Impact
• 25:01 Finding Fulfillment Beyond Titles and Money
• 27:56 The Journey of Happiness and Self-Realization
• 29:55 Gratitude and Perspective in Life
• 34:43 Understanding Youth Behavior and Choices
• 41:09 Influence of Upbringing on Career Choices
• 44:53 The Importance of Community and Team Sports
• 49:13 Building Lifelong Memories Through Coaching
• 52:15 The Impact of Team Sports on Personal Development
• 55:26 Addressing Criticisms of Team Sports
• 1:00:15 The Legacy of a Coach and a Father
• 1:04:10 Selflessness and the Balance of Giving
• 1:08:10 Guilt and the Motivation Behind Selflessness
• 1:09:02 A Heartfelt End
• 1:12:11 Outro

Transcript

Stefano Tennerielo (00:03)
you say to yourself, I'm going to go like the rest of us. How do you want to be remembered when you leave? that's important to me. And if we can make a difference in the world while we're here for the better, hey, let's do it.

And you know, when I coach soccer to this day and I see those kids, they want to come to soccer Saturday and they like to see me and I, put smiles on their faces and their parents enjoy coming, I say, you know, this little world that we have every Saturday here, man, I love it.

Pat Tenneriello (00:37)
Welcome to the After Peter Pan podcast. I'm your host, Pat Tenneriello. And today I sit down with a very special guest, my dad, Stefano Tenneriello, dedicated youth probation officer for 30 years, dedicated coach and devoted father of five. My dad has spent his life guiding others both on and off the field. Through his career and his passion for coaching, he's impacted countless lives, helping young people discover their potential.

and teaching the value of teamwork, community and resilience. Known as the coach, he's a firm believer in leading with kindness, fostering connection and putting family first. Through my dad's story of growing up in an immigrant family to raising five kids, you can expect to learn how to strengthen your relationships by prioritizing family and community, the powerful life lessons team sports can teach and why fostering connections can lead to a more fulfilling and impactful life. This episode is a belated Christmas special.

delayed due to a small surgery, but don't worry all as well. This conversation is deeply personal to me, even emotional at times and certainly meaningful. And I'm honored to share it with you now. Enjoy the episode.

Pat Tenneriello (01:49)
Well, the first thing I wanted to say before we jump into the questions, dad, is I wanted to start by telling you that I love you. And I'm really, really grateful that you took the time to do this, even though it may not come natural to you. And I'm just really grateful that you're my number one fan and that you've always been my number one fan my whole life. So it means a lot that you're here.

Stefano Tennerielo (02:15)
You're gonna make me cry right off the bat here. I don't think that's what I wanna do.

Pat Tenneriello (02:22)
Well, this is as good a time as any, sometimes we don't always say the things that we feel, even though we we know them to be true without them having to be said, it's important to say them. So, you know, now that I'm a dad, I want to be the best version of myself, of a father that I can be.

And so to me, I really look to you and I think of the example that you set with me. And so I learned a lot from you. And you know,

I'm just very grateful and I want you to know that I look up to you.

Stefano Tennerielo (03:01)
Thank you son, that sounds very important to me, that's for sure. Because I spend my whole life trying to be the best dad I could. I don't think there's an important job, a better, sorry, a better job than being a dad. It's a number one. I've always prided of myself to be the best dad I could and I've always devoted myself to my family.

and I'm glad that you feel the way that you do. That means I've done my job and I'm very proud of the man you've become

and I'm hoping that I...

you know, that I will make you proud today and doing the best that I could because I think it'll be fun doing this.

know, to have the strength

Pat Tenneriello (03:47)
Thank you, Dad.

I appreciate that. when I think about our parents, usually what ends up happening, like psychologically when we have our own kids is we grab the things that we want to keep and we reject. So it's, either one extreme or the other. It's like, Oh, I want to do that the way my dad did it, or my mom did it. I want to do that with my son or my daughter, or no, I want to do the complete opposite.

can you relate to that?

Stefano Tennerielo (04:16)
being a dad or a mom is the number one job in the world because that's a priority that everybody should make top on the list because, you know, it's easy to say it's a cliche, but you shouldn't have kids if you can't put them ahead of you. So I was raised in the same way. My parents were not rich.

and they certainly didn't always have the time to spend with us kids because, you know, they were immigrants. They came to Canada with nothing and they were determined to give us kids a better life and in order to do that they had to make sure that we were able to have what

we needed as far as essentials go. We didn't have any luxuries. But the one thing that they instilled in us is that we're always stronger together. because we've got each other. And it's so true, you know, and that always stayed with that. You know, we had our ups and downs

But I knew that if I needed someone, my dad would be there, my mom would be there, or my grandfather or my grandmother, because it extended to outside of our nuclear family.

aunts and uncles and cousins. And I think, you know, that's what I try to instill in you guys. And you have that. I see it. I see it with you and your siblings. And I see how you're a great, not only father, but a great brother and husband and, you know, uncle. it comes naturally. We don't even have to work on it. I don't think because you've always made it a priority.

I feel really good when I see that because I wanted to give you guys that and you've latched onto it and I hope you never, never lose it because when I'm no longer around,

you guys are going to be there for each other. And that to me is number one.

Pat Tenneriello (06:18)
Yeah.

I didn't, I didn't realize how uncommon it is. I just assumed that everyone thought about family the way that we do. And it wasn't until I was a bit older and some of my friends would say, you're really close to your family or you have a really close relationship to your dad. And so, yeah, don't, don't, doesn't everyone? And unfortunately that's not the case. You know?

Stefano Tennerielo (06:47)
No, it really

really

you cannot have an individual itinerary when it comes to support and encouraging and loving and caring, within your family.

And I remember when I worked as a probation officer, the one thing that was obvious to me was that when mom and dad have their own itinerary and they do their own thing and they're really focusing on themselves, the kids say, what the hell, you know, I'm going to do the same thing.

we also want to protect our kids. So, know, dads sometimes they've got issues, but they

They leave them alone because they don't want to affect their kids and they don't want to bring unnecessary unhappiness

Pat Tenneriello (07:34)
you

Stefano Tennerielo (07:35)
and hurt into the family. But as your kids grow older, it's so important that you involve them in problem solving, whatever issue you may have, because you're stronger together.

Pat Tenneriello (07:47)
Yeah. I think that's an area that

would be really interesting to hear people understand why family is so important to you and how it's played such an important part in your life. And also more broadly is the importance that you place on relationships and connecting with people and your ability to connect with that's probably one of your greatest strengths. And you've used that strength.

in your personal life, in your career, in your coaching. end of the day, we all want to feel loved.

We all want to feel a connection to ourselves, to our family, to our friends, to our community, to our colleagues at work. And a lot of times, you know, when I was going through therapy, that lack of connection, it came up a lot and it really causes discomfort and pain and sadness and loneliness. And so I think there's a lot to be learned there.

But as a father, you had five kids, three kids by age 25, five kids by age 31. Why would you put yourself through that?

Stefano Tennerielo (08:56)
Well, came to Canada when I was two months old. after the Second World War, the south of Italy, there was a lot of...

poverty and people were looking for a better life. So a lot of people ended up going to Argentina, Venezuela, Canada, the US. My dad decided to come here and it's a lot of courage to get on a ship for 14 days and come to an unknown land and you show up here. I mean, what you have is other people that, you know, sponsored you and those other people were family.

In our case, it was my grandfather, my grandmother, and they were sponsored by their siblings. And so you show up here and your first contact and then a world that you know nothing about, you have each other. And that was so important.

And I remember my grandfather working for free. He was helping others in his boat by bartering. So he was a barber and he cut people's hair and people would bring them homemade wine and salamis and cheeses and whatnot. you know, so from the family unit and other people who came from...

Italy from almost the neighboring five towns. There was a lot of people from these neighboring five towns, villages. They were all in the same boat. So community was created for me right away.

You know, and we grew up all on Barclay Street. in Montreal, and we stuck together and we helped each other out.

And of course there were other nationalities there and from all over, you know, I call it our little ghetto because anybody that came from anywhere back then ended up somehow in the Cote-des-neiges-Barclay area, which is still the case. And of course,

The community was there because we were stronger together, but we also had to learn to adapt and live with others. so family unit was how I grew up in.

and a family and community, it's the same thing. It's an extended family. I've always saw it like that.

So for me, growing up, I had a very young age, all those around me made it about us, never about me. So for me it was easy to...

to say, well, know, accountability and responsibility were important because it was drained in us. It wasn't about luxuries. It was a lot of love, a lot of care, a lot of understanding, a lot of helping each other out. So it became very necessary for me to grow up in a hurry. And in fact,

I was always the youngest member of our group of friends. know, that grew up with older guys and of course, you know, I grew up in a hurry at a very young age. You know, 13, 14.

Pat Tenneriello (11:57)
Why do you say that?

Stefano Tennerielo (11:58)
I was hanging out with guys that were older than I were, you know, 16, 17, 18. I started driving at the age of 15. I was one of the first ones to drive in our neighborhood. And so whenever we went out,

You know, I was kind of like the designated driver. didn't drink a lot. Alcohol was never important to me.

by the time I was 21, I met your mother and we got married. mom always wanted a lot of kids and I loved family.

And we had a lot of kids at a very early age. But, you know, things kind of happened naturally back then.

You know, there was an order of things, right? We didn't really overanalyze. you grew up, you work, you fell in love, you married and you had kids. And then your whole priorities were based on, you know, making it work as much as you could. And of course, when you're young, you still got a lot to learn.

your mother and I were both very young and we had a lot of responsibility. We were able to,

to do our best, but we also struggled. was a, I mean, it had an effect on our relationship, unfortunately,

So did I chew off a lot? You know, more than I can swallow, I guess.

Yes, I did and things kind of fell apart. But the one thing that, never fell apart, I think, is that your mother and I, were able to, even though we weren't together anymore, we were able to still make you guys a priority. And as a result, I'm really happy to see that, you know, you're all good.

individuals with fantastic careers, loving spouses, children of your own, and happy, very balanced individuals.

You know, in hindsight, I have no regrets about being a father at a very young age. I think, you know, we also as parents learn as we go. We make mistakes. And going back to your point, you know, of we take what is good in our childhood and what is bad. Well, we all have that because no families are perfect.

but if you feel loved, I think that's the foundation through growing up and being a loving individual, of being kind and patient and always making time for those you love, even though our lives get busy.

Pat Tenneriello (14:52)
Yeah.

Stefano Tennerielo (14:53)
So I

tried hard as a parent and I know that I wasn't perfect and I'm hoping that you guys learn from my mistakes.

And if you're better than I was as a father, that's fantastic. Because like I said, that was my number one priority.

Pat Tenneriello (15:15)
Good. Well, there are big shoes to fill in the sense that you placed fatherhood at the very top of the list of your priorities. And it's not always easy to do that because you have ambitions and goals of your own, just because you're a father, that doesn't make your identity just fatherhood, right? Like you can still have.

dreams and goals and ambitions professionally, or you can still have a desire to maintain close relationships with friends or to dedicate time to your health or, or a hobby. If you if you enjoy playing sports, like, and you know, there is some sacrifice, but you shouldn't forget who you are either. And if you are a father a hundred percent of the time and that's all that you are, then that may be.

bring about some resentment. with me, I can't imagine five kids. Like I have one kid now he's nearly two. He's been sick these last few days and when he's sick, we're in survival mode. So all these 2025 goals that I've set for myself to go to bed at nine and to wake up at 5 a.m. and to do my meditation and my yoga and go for a run or what, you know,

all these objectives that I set for myself, they all go out the window as soon as he's not well or someone in the family is not well. And, it's a test you know, I need to accept that life is going to throw curve balls, that being a father is no longer just about myself, but it's about the needs of my son and my wife and, others. And so that in itself is a learning exercise. But if I had five kids, then it.

I would assume that you're in survival mode more often than you're not. how did you manage that? How did you put aside that identity of yours that wasn't fatherhood?

Stefano Tennerielo (17:07)
when you have five kids or when you have kids, your number one priority is your kids. So your whole schedule is driven around them. And if you could, you know, make some time for yourself, that's fantastic individual time, and couple time. I think what happens is as a couple, you end up suffering sometimes and growing apart because when you have five kids.

you know, it's all about the kids. And your whole social agenda is based about, you know, gymnastics and swimming and hockey and soccer. So you meet other parents who have kids who are doing those activities.

And then Dad had a lot of acquaintances and I kept meeting more and more and more more people through you guys.

Pat Tenneriello (17:51)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (17:51)
And so,

you know, I loved to play hockey. I didn't play hockey. I had to give that up. liked to play soccer. I didn't play soccer as much as I would. the more the kids, the less time for you.

But you know what, when you see your children happy and having fun and enjoying life as best as they could, as best as you can as a family, that was the biggest reward for me. mean, you know, it just, it wasn't all, you know, fun all the time, but that was my life. That was the way...

you know I decided to live my life and now well you don't stop being a parent you know you're a parent for the rest your life and as you know I still love to help you guys as much as I can because I I figure you know what better to help you now while I'm around to try to facilitate your lives because you got your own children

Better to be able to do it now. And I have all kinds of time on my hand now. I mean, I'm retired, And I do my best to try to help you out as much as I could.

And it's just something I really enjoy because it's what I know. That was my number one role. It's what I know. And so, you know, do I enjoy driving my convertible in the summer? Of course. Do I like to, be with friends and socialize? Of course. But my biggest passion has always been, you know, to connect with people.

Pat Tenneriello (19:05)
Yeah.

Stefano Tennerielo (19:30)
And I didn't, you know, I went to university and I studied theories. But I think if you make people number one and try to not judge them and understand that everybody's got a story and they're all struggling,

Pat Tenneriello (19:35)
you

Stefano Tennerielo (19:47)
think it naturally happens that people end up opening up to you. So, you know, my career as a probation officer for 32 years and my coaching that I still do, you know, those are just things that I enjoy. I don't even really have to work on them. I just try to put people first all the time and make them feel important. You know?

Pat Tenneriello (19:57)
you

Yeah, but when you put people

when you say you put them first, does that mean you put your needs second

Stefano Tennerielo (20:15)
No.

if you see it more as a calling to help out the vulnerable and try to facilitate their lives and maybe help them help themselves as much as they could,

and you see the results, however small, it brings a nice feeling to your life because you're making a difference in the world.

I always spend less time on me and more time on others. you know what? I could have spent more time on me, but I'm happy.

Pat Tenneriello (20:47)
I was listening to a podcast this week the topic was, people who are people pleasers.

what happens is they don't make genuine connections. because they're always being too nice and trying to please people all the time. And, I thought of you because you're always putting people first. And then I thought, well, that's not you because you make genuine connections

You're also willing to be assertive if you feel like someone's taking advantage of you.

Stefano Tennerielo (21:11)
Yes, exactly. helping others, no matter how small an act of kindness, it goes a long way for people, especially when they're down in the dumps,

I met a lot of people in my world as a probation officer and now as a coach too. And I think what's important is to...

you know, not to judge quickly and pretend we know about, you know, somebody without really getting to know them. And dad as much as I can, I, you know, I just try to be friendly. I try to, make people feel that they're important and they're valued, and I want to get to know them a little more. And it's not something that you got to work at if it's part of who you are.

if they feel you're coming from a good place and they see that you have a heart and you genuinely are sincere and genuinely care, you attract people because people are all looking for that. They're all looking for someone to,

connect with. You know, like, we spend a lot of time reading books and we spend a lot of time going to school and we spend a lot of time trying to figure out how we can help people help themselves. Well, the best way is to just be someone's biggest fan. And that is to, you know, just to kind of say, okay, you know, I believe in you, you can do it.

And it's going to be okay. anybody that's ever struggled, I think, like we all had mentors, we all had people that we connected with because we just felt good around them. You know, and I don't know, I should know, but I don't know how much theory there is out there that actually explains, you know,

Pat Tenneriello (22:59)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (23:08)
the effectiveness of one human being who's struggling, connecting with another human being who believes in them. You know, that, I mean, we know that works. But is there actually research that proves that that's the best theory to help people? I happen to think that that is. And, you know, I think sometimes we over, we try to over,

analyze and try to be somebody we're not just because we read a book and they said this worked. think what's important is to just know who you are as much as possible.

and find your passion and have fun with life as much as possible.

Pat Tenneriello (24:00)
spent your career as a youth probation officer and it clearly was your calling. You were very, very good at it.

Stefano Tennerielo (24:09)
I

do believe, yeah. It's just feedback that I received.

Pat Tenneriello (24:11)
You had a

major impact. You turned down several promotion opportunities to become a manager and to manage people to stay on the front line and work with youth because that was really your passion. how did you help the kids on your probation to your words, like.

know who they are and what their passions are. Because I'm guessing many of them were lost.

Stefano Tennerielo (24:38)
so first of all, I just wanted to say that power and control and titles and a lot of money was never my goal. You know, I just needed enough money to survive. I wanted to balance my life to make sure I was with my kids. And I didn't want to be, you know, not true to myself because sometimes

you end up in positions that perhaps is not quite you. And they just don't mesh with who you are as a human being. And yet, you you want to do it because it's more money and perhaps you like the

To me, what I found the most rewarding, okay, because you got to keep in mind, I had really three bosses. the guy who was my main boss was the government, paid my salary, and I wasn't too much into trying to impress them. You know, I did my job and the best I could, but...

I never saw them as my number one priority. Then the second boss was the courts, right? You had to be respectful. They wanted to work with you in helping the youth as much as possible. And so it was a spirit of collaboration for the youth and their family. But my number one priority at all times in my career as a probation officer in 32 years was the youth and his family.

And that's what I focused the most on was connecting with the youth, you know, getting their story, find out where they came from, where they were at that present time and where they wanted to head. But the important thing was selling them wellness when they didn't want it. So, you know, that could have probably made a lot more money selling material goods out there. But I felt that

If I was going to contribute to a world that can be difficult at times is to try to help people who were struggling and who were vulnerable and who were trying to do their best. And you know, some of those kids, they were so resilient that you say to yourself, holy smokes, if I was ever in their shoes, I would not have

been as successful as they were. Because they were, sometimes there were lot of factors in their life that they had to overcome. Just to, you know, to succeed, to get up in the morning and go to school, make sure they had proper clean clothing and perhaps a lunch. And I remember going to this party one time

when technology was booming and I ended up at this party. They all worked for big tech companies and somebody asked me, what is it that you do? And I told them. And then without breaching any confidentiality, told them some of the stories that were real. And they couldn't believe that there was a world like that out there, that there were people who struggled to that point.

Pat Tenneriello (27:48)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (27:56)
mean happiness I know is a journey, but sometimes people get there and they don't even see it because they're too busy trying to get to the next point. Right? And not realizing that what they have is important and then they lose it. I mean that's happened to me. I've lost some...

good people in my life, not realizing that, that they were, they meant so much to me. But we all make mistakes. Just be happy sometimes with.

what you have. If it makes you happy, you don't have to chase something that, you know, will make you more money or will give you a title or whatever and then get there and realize that it's not you.

think life has to be complicated. us, I think it's a baby boomer thing. People of dad's age and maybe even older that we kind of were satisfied overall. I'm making an assumption or a general comment here that we were just kind of happy with what little we had. And you know, if you never had something big, you're not even going to miss it.

But if you chase something just because you feel it's a natural step, know, promotions and making more money and titles in the bigger house and the bigger car and whatever,

You know, like, you know what I'm trying to say.

Pat Tenneriello (29:26)
Right.

well, I think you're talking about just, you know, materialism and chasing money or promotion or that next step, you could, you're just going to keep chasing for the rest of your life. and then you talked about the importance of gratefulness, being grateful for what you have. And I think that's a practice It's a cardinal feeling to feel grateful. And it's something that we need to remind ourselves constantly. And that's why.

When I was going through my therapy, that was one of the first exercises that I was asked to do by my therapist. Because I told them when I wake up in the morning, right away, I have this feeling that I'm behind the eight ball that I've already, I've already screwed up my day or that I'm already behind. And I feel that pressure. I feel so much pressure. And he said, well, here's what I want you to do. I want to take, keep a book next to your bed. First thing you do when you get up is you write three things that you're grateful for every morning.

And so it's a practice and then you, write it down and then you read it and then you realize, wow, life's not so bad. And, and also the other thing you that, that I heard you talk about is perspective. You went to this party full of tech people, maybe they made a lot of money and maybe they were more into that lifestyle of chasing that next thing. And you came in there and you hit them with some, some reality.

of a piece of the world or the strata of society that a lot of people never get a chance to see and have no idea exists. But you have that perspective because you were seeing that day in and day out in your career. And perspective is so important because, you know, people, they set an objective for themselves to become wealthy or to make money, right? But guess what? If you were born in the Western world,

You're already in the 1 % of the most wealthy people on the planet. So like how much more wealthy do you want to be? Congratulations. You were born in the 1%. What do you want to be the 0.1 % the 0.01 % like you choose to compare yourself to the people in your country or in your circle of friends or in the families that your family's connected with. But that's just the way that you choose to see the world. But if you take a step back.

Stefano Tennerielo (31:22)
Mm-hmm. That's right.

Pat Tenneriello (31:48)
And you get that perspective the way that you described at that party. You realize I already have more money than most people on this planet could ever dream of or will ever earn in their lifetime.

Stefano Tennerielo (32:00)
Exactly.

It depends what drives you and dad, you know, like I grew up with very little and I didn't need a lot. And I realized that when I go to Italy in the south of Italy, my goodness gracious, I mean, you know, people are making 2000, 2500 euros a month.

they're happy with just being together enjoying life. La Dolce Vita. Like, what is La Dolce Vita? Well, you know, sitting at a cafe and meeting a stranger next to you because he's having a coffee as well.

You know, little things could bring us a lot of joy. If people are chasing the dollar and forgetting their family, what good is that going to be in the end?

You know, you say to yourself, I'm going to go like the rest of us. How do you want to be remembered when you leave? that's important to me. And if we can make a difference in the world while we're here for the better, hey, let's do it.

And you know, when I coach soccer to this day and I see those kids, they want to come to soccer Saturday and they like to see me and I, put smiles on their faces and their parents enjoy coming, I say, you know, this little world that we have every Saturday here, man, I love it. it's a team effort. We all come together to have fun and to laugh and enjoy.

trying to create little moments like that everywhere you are, you got to make people a priority.

Pat Tenneriello (33:42)
I want to ask you again. You had thousands of youth on your caseload over the years, over your career. You must've seen some patterns and some stories that repeated themselves. my guess is.

You also probably saw a good deal of hedonism, meaning people that were focused on pleasure on the here and now on the short-term ditching school to go and get high or ditching school to go to the mall or shoplifting because they wanted that thing on the shelf or not thinking about the consequences of going out and partying all night.

Stefano Tennerielo (34:08)
for now.

For sure. For sure.

Pat Tenneriello (34:18)
that sort of behavior, my guess is you came across that all the time. And that touches a little bit on the theme of the show, right? The show is about growing up. It's that Peter Pan syndrome. It's hedonism. It's about how can I have as much fun as I can now and without thinking about tomorrow and what really matters. so one, did you come across that sort of thinking is

what did you do about it?

Stefano Tennerielo (34:45)
the one thing for sure is that the jails are full of people with addictions issues and anger management problems. There's a lot of crimes that are associated with those two. and of course, poverty is closely associated with crime. I've always said that because.

when you can't have what you want, with youth I'm talking about, you know, they usually say, okay, well, you know what, I'm gonna help myself. It doesn't make it right, you know, they like to party, they like to have fun, they like to congregate amongst, similar interests.

Pat Tenneriello (35:19)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (35:23)
They get involved in the same crimes or, you know, same activities. chase the here and now. There's not a lot of planning that happens, you know, and they just want to enjoy the moment.

solving is not something that is often thought about and as a result bad choices are made. And so really what you're doing is you're trying to challenge ways of thinking and helping them understand that perhaps there's different ways of doing things. that's the key.

And it's hard. But if you connect and someone has enough respect for you and they know that you actually care about them, you know, they start listening. And when people start listening, you know, that's the foundation to them perhaps trying different ways of thinking and doing.

Pat Tenneriello (36:17)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (36:31)
Because, you know, as we know, how we feel and what we're thinking is directly connected with our actions. So the important thing is to, help them understand that perhaps you could do things differently that does not lead you here. that was always a goal of ours.

But yeah, of course, people are chasing, when you're hurting, you're looking for the fix, the quick fix. know, adults do it. sometimes their family foundation was broken. Other times, you know, they didn't like who they were.

Pat Tenneriello (37:03)
Why were they hurting generally?

Stefano Tennerielo (37:13)
sensed like they just didn't belong. they struggled with their identity. They felt rejected. They didn't feel loved. they didn't have a lot of support, a lot of encouragement. Sometimes they were abused. They didn't value who they were. Their self-esteem was shot. And...

You know, they just were struggling overall, right? I mean, when you're down and you start making decisions the wrong way, the negative way, you're just digging a bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger hole for yourself to the point where, you know, you're in the big hole and you keep digging. It's hard to get out of it.

Pat Tenneriello (37:56)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (37:57)
So,

you know, so they're looking for the quick fix, right? And unfortunately, when people are in the same boat, they congregate towards the same people.

when you start struggling and you're hurting

people judge you, right? People label you and people discourage your kids from hanging around you or adults who want to hang out with you because, you have a bad reputation. You give out negative vibes, you hurt people, whatever, right? You're dishonest, you can't be trusted. So it's even harder because...

you you've dug a hole for yourself that even when you try hard to get out of it, people never let you forget who you are and where you come from. And, you know, one of the hardest things that some of my probation or youth I thought struggled with was eventually, you know, like forgiving themselves for hurting the people that they love.

and just constantly being reminded it's hard to do to forgive yourself. How do you do that, right? Because it's always there.

you know, when the youth came to see me, I mean, they knew what they did. I knew what they did. We didn't focus too much on that. It was like, how the hell did you get here? And what do we, you know, like, tell me your story. You got to get out of the system here and you're the only one who can do it.

Nobody can change unless they want to do it, right? And that's the hard part is, but if you're trying and you see some gains, it becomes easier. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is weight loss. I mean, I've struggled with that. But as soon as you feel a little bit like, wow, I've got more energy, I've lost some weight, you want to go forth.

Pat Tenneriello (39:59)
you

Stefano Tennerielo (40:00)
But it's still

hard to keep going forth if you see something that you really enjoy and you want it like in my case, you know those nice deli cheese paninis, you know You just want to have a panini forget, you know the the bocconcini the tomatoes and the lettuce But you know what I mean?

Pat Tenneriello (40:12)
Yes.

Stefano Tennerielo (40:25)
you know, so yeah, so we all have a story and...

You know, it's so important that we don't forget whoever we meet, God knows what they're struggling with because everybody is struggling with something. Even the richest of the richest of the richest, their days are not perfect. They may have it a little easier than the poorest of the poorest of the poorest.

or maybe a lot easier, but they're still human beings and they will have days that are off. And the important thing is that we don't, you know, don't judge somebody without even knowing who they are.

Pat Tenneriello (41:01)
You talked about being a new immigrant to Canada.

how would you say that upbringing or that experience like influenced your career choice?

Stefano Tennerielo (41:10)
Well, it influenced it a lot I mentioned that I grew up in a hurry. I was with older guys and their priorities, you know, was chasing girls and having fun playing sports

that I didn't do was I wasn't the best student in high school. And I had to go to night school with a bunch of adults to get my high school diploma.

Pat Tenneriello (41:36)
Hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (41:36)
Education wasn't a priority for me. It was more having fun. However, when I found my passion and that is, you know, people and the vulnerable and the ghetto gave me that, my ghetto. wasn't, you know, I call it the ghetto, but a lot of good people there. what I quickly realized is

You know, it's a fine line. How come I made it and some of my friends didn't make it? meaning, they broke the law and they made bad mistakes and choices and, you know, they ended up in custody or, you know, they lost relationships and their family. Why? Why is that, right? And I always wanted to know more about that.

and how I could maybe understand it better and help.

But my point is that I ended up naturally in that area

because I wanted to know more about people and the vulnerable people. so what do I do? So I went to Dawson College and I took social sciences and I was like all of a sudden, boom, my God, like.

I became an incredible student because it was information that I loved and I enjoyed. Right? And so from there, naturally, I went into criminology and took off from there. And then I just wanted to work with people. You know, my first job was in Edmonton, Alberta, working with disadvantaged down and out kids on the street.

And there was just trying to connect with them and giving them some positive outlets to do some things differently that they weren't used to or just give them a meal, you know, some warm clothing, whatever the case may be to help them, you know, not just survive, but to see that there's different ways of doing things.

Pat Tenneriello (43:27)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (43:36)
And I have a thing for the underdog because I stuttered. I ended up stuttering at one point.

for a couple of years and that was when my brother, my youngest brother, was sick and he wasn't well and it caused a lot of anxiety and turmoil in the family and it affected me, the anxiety affected me where I started to stutter and of course the more conscious I was of my stuttering the worse it became.

Pat Tenneriello (44:02)
Hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (44:14)
And to show you how powerful your mind is, is you can overcome stuttering and whatever anxiety if you challenge your fear. I was able to

do that. I was able to do that, thankfully.

And if I'm overly stressed out now, sometimes I find I can't get my words out, but it doesn't show. of course I could talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk all the time. Yeah.

Pat Tenneriello (44:44)
You made up for that time in your life when you couldn't talk as much.

that's great. area we haven't gotten to is coaching.

do you feel team sports are so important for personal development?

Stefano Tennerielo (44:57)
I coach soccer, as you know, I always had a passion for soccer. coaching is a privilege, it really is, because it allows you to bring the best out in your players. I know it's cliche,

But really it's teaching the beautiful game which is the only world sport. There's lots of sports. But soccer is truly the only sport that is worldwide. It's played everywhere.

Pat Tenneriello (45:28)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (45:29)
The only

other sport that comes close to that would be track and field. to be able to coach the right technique to kids' basic fundamentals, but also to, see them wanting to come and having fun and enjoying the sport and feeling welcomed and feeling safe because...

The kids all get it that we're there for us. We're not there for me. Of course, the younger kids have a harder time with that, but you know what? You talk to them, they get it. And I don't think that there's a lot of that even happening in schools anymore.

But, you know, so having contact with people, coaching the game that I love and helping them become, a better version of themselves is what I enjoy the most. it warms my heart.

Pat Tenneriello (46:20)
Mm-hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (46:27)
when I see them grow, but when I get the smallest little compliment from parents about how much their kids are having fun and the friendships that they've developed at the soccer, it's just amazing because you are helping your community.

Pat Tenneriello (46:50)
Why

do you feel that being an active member of the community is important?

Stefano Tennerielo (46:55)
Well, because if you want to live in a nice environment where you feel safe and...

You you create an environment where people love to, you know, spill onto the street and just help each other, not afraid to go knock on the door to get some assistance. I know that's cliche and passe, but people that go to church, for example, they go there to get a sense of community. The same people you see over and over again and you feel like, okay, well, I'm not alone.

I like to think that I'm helping with the values and beliefs of old that sometimes we forget.

know, togetherness is important. I think there's more more loneliness and isolation happening, which are two of the worst things that a human being could do to themselves,

And it increases social skills for the little ones too, right? Because as you know, we could easily get plugged into machines that help us, but there's so many negatives to that too. So kids gotta get out and meet other kids and do activities with other kids.

Pat Tenneriello (48:10)
Togetherness is,

if, someone were to say, well, how can I get involved in my community? Right. Like I think of you as an example. One is you're promoting and coaching something that you love. And through that, you're getting connected in the community.

families, kids are getting to know you and that's how you've decided to get involved in your community. Not only that, the other thing that I see you do is you kind of break down barriers on your street. Like you go to your knock on your neighbor's door, they know who you are, you know who they are. They scratch your back, you scratch theirs.

Stefano Tennerielo (48:41)
All the time.

Pat Tenneriello (48:47)
and then that's kind of contagious because once, you know, three neighbors know one another, then they go and they talk to the ones next to them. And before you know it, you know, the whole street knows each other and then they could start to plan a social activity in the summertime. and so it's not that you need to necessarily run for office or, do something grand like that. It's can start with very small steps and.

Stefano Tennerielo (49:08)
you don't.

Pat Tenneriello (49:13)
and it can easily grow and become contagious.

Stefano Tennerielo (49:18)
Exactly. And I mean, you're building good memories that last a lifetime, right? I've got kids I used to coach.

that now bring me their kids. Dad's been coaching in Orleans alone since 87, so, if it's been a good experience for them and they bring you the most precious thing in their life, their children, to me, that is the best compliment that I

they could ever pay me because it's so true. Right? You're building good memories. They don't forget. They want to share them with their children.

you know, when you are on a team and you feel comfortable with your players and you develop a strong bond as a team, you're going to be successful. But not only that, when you struggle out off the field within your own, you know, families you feel comfortable sometimes approaching somebody that you know cares about you and you trust.

And right now, as we know Canada, you know, has always been multicultural. Dad's programs that I'm coaching right now through the city, I get new parents.

new immigrants from all walks of life and they meet other new immigrants from their country or from the neighboring country and they exchange phone numbers and they exchange addresses and they, you know, have their kids play outside of the soccer environment. I mean, it's just pulling people together and I think if people can pull together rather than focus on divisions,

We can't go wrong with that.

Pat Tenneriello (50:59)
that's a good point around acceptance. know, you get to know people that you wouldn't otherwise have gotten to know. And it breaks down barriers between, different groups of people. was also doing a bit of homework, just to see some, some statistics on the importance of team sports. there was some good ones. one was,

Adolescents involved in team sports report 24 % lower levels of anxiety and depression compared to non-participants. Teens active in team sports exhibit a five times greater likelihood of developing strong self-confidence. Team sports participants are 52 % more likely to volunteer in their communities later in life due to ingrained cooperation and empathy skills. So I think you've touched on a lot of these

Stefano Tennerielo (51:24)
Mm.

yeah.

Pat Tenneriello (51:46)
these stats And when I think about my time where you, you coached me and my time in sports, you know, I think what it taught me is like, part of something that's bigger than yourself. And so sometimes when you don't feel like going to practice or you're not bringing a hundred percent, like people are depending on you. it's a, it teaches dependability, consistency, discipline, uh, cooperation, communication.

Stefano Tennerielo (51:59)
Yeah.

Pat Tenneriello (52:12)
And it certainly does build self-confidence.

Stefano Tennerielo (52:15)
Team sports is really, like you said, all those things you mentioned, it's true. It builds a lot of strength in human being. played team sports and I've got nothing but good memories of all the times that I played. The only thing I regret, of course, is I didn't have lot of times where my dad came to watch.

You know, and I think that's important. Kids excel if their parents are around and cheer them on. But it's not always the case because, you know, life dictates. You got to put food on the table. you know, back when we came, you know, our father's, their number one priority was making a living. but yeah, all those things. I mean, I highly recommend team sports for so many reasons.

Pat Tenneriello (53:03)
Yeah.

Stefano Tennerielo (53:08)
But, you know, it's the lessons learned and the friendships created that you never forget.

Pat Tenneriello (53:14)
What would you say to a critic of team sports? Like if someone were to say, well, on the flip side, it promotes locker talk, or, what else might they say? Well, if someone's not good, they might get bullied or they might actually lose self-esteem if they're warming the bench and not actually getting a chance to play. how would you react to those criticisms?

Stefano Tennerielo (53:37)
Well, I think any sport is based on the coach. That's what I would say. And also I would ask them, have you ever played team sports? Because you know, can't, until you've been there, team sports is not for everyone, but you gotta at least try it. But like anything, know, whether it's a good boss, a good parent, a good coach.

it depends the messaging that you get in the locker room What I tell the kids all the time is look if you come here to hurt other people or to put other people down or to make them feel devalued and disrespected

there's no room for that. That will not be tolerated. All the decisions I make is about us. It's not about you. I want to know if things are not going well. Come and talk to me or tell your parents. They'll tell me whatever you prefer. But if it's tolerated...

Yeah, you're going to have a mess on your hands. Some coaches make matters worse, not better. So you ask yourself, why are you coaching? coaching is a privilege. You don't have to coach. And if you're no good, you get fired. And I'm not talking coaches at the professional level. I'm talking about coaches at the grassroots. Why are you doing this?

Is it to pursue your own dream that maybe you missed out on? Or is it because you know how to adapt to kids and you know how to encourage kids, you know how to build up self-esteem, you know how to bring people together and give them life lessons that will last them a lifetime?

Pat Tenneriello (55:03)
you

would you say was the biggest lesson that coaching taught you?

Stefano Tennerielo (55:26)
Well, for me, it made me feel good about myself. I mean, you know, there was a period in my life where I didn't have a lot of friends, you know. I started grade one, I only spoke Italian. actually Napolitano, which as you know, yeah.

Pat Tenneriello (55:40)
And this was an English speaking school.

Stefano Tennerielo (55:43)
So when I started,

had no, I couldn't communicate. I had no friends. My life was being babysat by my grandfather when I was a kid because they all worked and they took turns babysitting me. And I had a lot of love. I never felt alone, but I didn't mingle. I didn't have a lot of friends. I was sheltered. I was overprotected. You know, that I think is

what happens when you come to a new country is you sometimes don't understand, you're frightened, and without knowing who the other people are that you live with in the community, you you just feel like, hmm, they're not like us, so we are not going to really associate with them much. And so I was really protected.

How many kids you know repeat grade one? Well nowadays nobody repeats anything, Not sure I agree with that,

We didn't have technology. we played ball hockey, we played ice hockey, and we played soccer. And, you know, and we occupied our time. Because our parents were not going to occupy our time. You know, my mom used to say, go do what you got to do, come home before it's dark.

Pat Tenneriello (56:45)
Hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (57:00)
It gave us all a life and a friendship and a productive outlet. know, mind you, you know, we just loved what we...

being together and playing the sports that we enjoyed. quite honestly, know, I know it's cliche, but it does keep you out of getting in trouble. You know, and of course back then we certainly didn't want to get in trouble because it was important to us not to shame our families.

Pat Tenneriello (57:16)
Yeah.

Hmm.

Stefano Tennerielo (57:34)
You know, so sports, mean sports really was all our lives growing up. It's what we knew. you know, we had each other's backs.

And we knew all our friends, families. We didn't do things in isolation and they all knew us.

Pat Tenneriello (57:59)
the title of this episode, I always put the guests name. I wasn't going to put dad. I don't think I was going to put your full name either. That's kind of formal. So I was thinking of putting the coach and everyone who knows you knows that your nickname is the coach.

Do you remember where that nickname came from?

Stefano Tennerielo (58:20)
Well, it just, I kind of fell into it because I'd been coaching for so long that, you know, and Orleans is such a small community that, you know, hi coach, hi coach, how's it going coach, you know, it was, I'm just a coach,

But also, the kids and their families never call me by my name when I bump into people, which of course I bump into people all the time. It's it's coach. It's coach, right?

That's what people always called me was the coach, right? And I'm proud of that, you know, I'm proud of being called the coach because they're, you know, dad and coach.

You know, like you make a big difference as a coach in so many young people's lives and as a dad, you make a big difference in your kids. You know, and now I'm nonno right? now I'm dealing with grandkids.

and

You know, that's a name I pride myself to and I want to be the best nonno I can be. and I mean those are roles where when you're no longer here, you know, those are roles that you know you've made a difference in the lives of others that will have hopefully fond memories of you. Nobody's perfect but

You know, are there more important roles than that? I don't see them. Maybe I'm just too simple. You know, and...

Pat Tenneriello (59:54)
No, that's well,

that's well said. That's well said. don't, I don't think you're too simple at all. And those are incredible roles that I think a lot of people would be envious you touched on how you want to be remembered and now you're kind of touching on it a little bit again, but like if you were to sum it up in few words,

How would you want to be remembered?

Stefano Tennerielo (1:00:15)
Let's put it this way. We don't know where we're going really 100 % when we're no longer on Earth here. The only certain thing for dad I think, is because I worked hard at it, is that those that I touch somehow will...

remember me and hopefully miss me and love me. there's really nothing else to say really. I know my immediate family will definitely miss me.

You know, and I know you guys love me. I sense it from you guys every day. And those lives I've touched, they will hopefully remember a part of me that they will hold on to. That was a positive thing in their life. you know, if you accomplish that, that means that you have left the world a better place.

Pat Tenneriello (1:01:10)
that makes sense. A common theme of this discussion I've heard is that you you pride yourself on putting others needs ahead of your own. And sometimes in my life, I feel like.

Well, I've always thought I have a selfless parents. think both you and mom have chosen career paths also in your, in your family lives, not just with us, but also in your own families. You guys were very selfless and put the needs of others ahead of your own. And, and I felt guilty sometimes because I didn't feel like I quite measured up to that. because it was, the bar set pretty high.

But I always, I also wondered whether you guys ever felt taken advantage of, like if that wasn't reciprocated, because most people can't reciprocate that level of selflessness. just not built that way. So have you ever felt taken advantage of?

Stefano Tennerielo (1:02:12)
Yeah.

Well, your mother was the eldest of her family and I'm the eldest of mine. And the one thing that, you know, we're same age of that generation, we were taught to be responsible and right away and to help the family unit, to help our siblings, to be there for our grandparents.

In my case, and I know your mom too, it's what you learned. So when you learned and that becomes a priority, it's just, it's who you are. You've established an identity right from the beginning. And so it's your values, it's your belief.

You know, you naturally make it about your family because there's nothing more important than that. And so you move forward. And then, you you as a human being, well, yeah, you make time for yourself. You you try to fit in the activities you like, you know, what brings you joy. But, I mean, think of it this way for a moment.

You have everything in the world, but the people that needed you the most, you weren't there for them, right?

what have you got? And then if you don't have the love, and you know, dads not perfect and it's not always easy, but if you don't have the love of your sons or daughters, you're a shell of a man in my opinion, you know? And so when you look at it that way, when you're strong at who you are,

you know what?

You don't have regrets because you've established who you are. remember, we all have different hearts, right?

I think you don't give because you want to receive.

You know, and some give naturally and others just take all the time and never have enough and they always want more.

But as far as selfishly giving, well, that was also, you know, a whole generation of Catholic upbringing. We went to Catholic schools, we were raised in a Catholic family, you know, Catholics are certainly, you know, not perfect, as we know. But the one thing that we got in schooling as well is that, yeah.

You you help others, you be kind, you're there for others in time of need, you know, that kind of stuff. And that's not being taught anymore. I know I haven't been at school. I don't have kids that are at school, but I see it with the younger generation in my soccer classes. And, you know, it's not pronounced like it used to be and the world has changed, right?

Pat Tenneriello (1:05:15)
I think selflessness is noble. I think that when you do for others, get back

and everyone can give in their own way. So maybe for you, you you gave a lot of your time. you were willing to sacrifice your needs for others, but maybe for someone else, it doesn't look like that. Like I think to, an episode I did with Ashwin and we talked a about altruism and he said, well, for me,

I want to be an example of someone who's just living life in a light way. want to be light to people. want to lead by example, someone who's choosing to go after something that he's passionate about and just by doing so living lighter, people will pick up on that. And that would give him space and energy to be a good neighbor, to free up his time to help.

so I think everyone can give in their own way, but I think that there is a lot of proof that when you're not thinking about yourself, but you're thinking about others, you're out of your own head and a lot of the mental pain and suffering human beings have is from just being in their own head and those thoughts that are, you know, constantly going in our heads. But

Stefano Tennerielo (1:06:15)
Mm-hmm.

Pat Tenneriello (1:06:36)
When you're thinking about others those thoughts quiet down.

Stefano Tennerielo (1:06:41)
That's very true.

sometimes people think that being nice is an act of being weak and that the world is a mean, cruel place and you gotta be strong.

and you got to take care of yourselves primarily because otherwise people will take advantage of you and you'll get hurt.

But it goes back to the goodness cannot be replaced. we all remember those people near us that, you know, were always there for us and made us feel important and valued and respected. that is irreplaceable. And of course,

we all have our own ideas of what's important.

But if you feel that you are the one that's most important all the time and you have no clue on how to give and all you ever think about is what you could get for yourself,

You know, you're not going to be a person that people are going to connect with. Let's put it that way.

Pat Tenneriello (1:07:47)
Yeah, I remembered my second point now, because you talked about were raised Catholic. That was part of the reason of, of giving back. talked about the Italian culture and there's a lot of positives in both of those things, but one common,

negative, I would say that I've seen and living sometimes is that there's guilt. So a lot of guilt in religion and there's guilt in the Italian culture. have you ever felt that some of that selflessness that give it a giving back has been rooted in guilt?

Stefano Tennerielo (1:08:11)
Yeah.

guilt has been used, to control children. I've seen that. it's not productive.

how did that change my life? I'm not sure, you know, if I hadn't been helped those that I cared about the most. And I think it was a good thing.

Pat Tenneriello (1:08:46)
Yeah.

Stefano Tennerielo (1:08:50)
They didn't guilt me into something that I didn't want to do. It's just maybe I didn't want to do it at that time, but it's something I would have done anyway. You know what I mean?

Pat Tenneriello (1:09:02)
this is probably a good place to end. We covered a lot of the questions. So,

Stefano Tennerielo (1:09:07)
Yeah,

I just wanted to say, you know, you've turned into an incredible individual and I know you've always pursued self-growth and it shows. I see it. You know, because it's been important to you to be the best that you can be and you've done incredible, especially focused on that when you got married and you're a dad and you got your own family.

I admire you for that You're courageous You're strong and you you know when you have an idea you go for it It's not easy to do to get out of your comfort zone,

So I got me out of my comfort zone to be able to get on your podcast and of course my motivating factor was to

help you pursue your adventure. If I was anybody else, I'm going to be selfish, I would have said no. I would have said no. No thank you.

Pat Tenneriello (1:10:02)
Thank you.

I'm really, really glad we did it. And I'm really grateful that you decided to come on because I know you wouldn't have done it for anyone else. So.

I meant what I said at the beginning of the episode, dad, I love you. And, you know, I look up to you as a father and as a, as a coach, as a member of your family, as your community, think the values that you have and that you've taught us have been, you know, been the foundation of my life. And, I hope to pass those along to my son and, yeah.

Stefano Tennerielo (1:10:42)
Thank you son.

You know it's... I feel like the biggest winner right now because of all you said. Because it's important, it has been important to me. Anyway, keep it up and you know let me know what you're gonna do with this episode. But I love you too kid. I love you too. Bye. Bye, bye son, bye.

Pat Tenneriello (1:11:05)
Alright, I'm gonna stop recording. Alright, then. Alright. Bye. Bye bye.

Pat Tenneriello (1:11:12)
Thank you for tuning into the episode today. I hope you enjoyed the conversation with my dad and took away some lessons. I'm really grateful that we had the opportunity to have this conversation because in our busy lives with an ocean separating us half the time and grandchildren running around the other, it's really rare to be able to carve out a few hours to have a heart to heart. So I'm grateful that we did and I hope that you enjoyed it.

if you're a fan of the podcast, it would mean a lot if you could take the time to share it to your network. That way we can grow our community and continue to have meaningful conversations in the area of personal growth. Thanks again for tuning in and until next time.